Satisfaction

" Satisfaction is what we're all aiming at right? Our own satisfaction depends a lot , no ...scratch that...depends completely on our expectations of ourselves.It depends on what you set your sights on.It isn't absolute , it's relative. I've heard a saying " Aim for the stars, if you don't reach em' you'll reach the moon". BS. Total BS. Is this suppose to inspire people?? How can it?? If you reach for the stars and don't get em , how can you be satisfied with the moon? Wouldn't it have been better to be aiming for the moon in the first place?Atleast you can rest easy knowing you're where you set out to be. I envy the person who sets his sights on something and gets it.I do not like being the guy who sets his sights too high and lands up short, I'd rather be the guy who sets his sights 'short' and lands up there. I do not look down on the person who sets his sights lower than mine, I do however look up to those who set their sights higher.

Would I be satisfied working with Infosys ?? No I would not, I'm not going to be satisfied with my lot. But I do envy the guy who sets his sights on Infosys , gets it and then dances like a maniac.He's achieved what he set out to achieve. I know what I want right now....IIM. Am I going to get it?? Not likely. People tell me to take it easy, that I have a good job in hand , that I always have next year. I cannot understand how that works. I do not want the job, I do not want to wait till next year. In absolute terms , I am better of than the average joe but in relative terms , I failed to do what I set out to do.The frustration that comes with knowing that, no matter how well you seem to be doing is very very difficult to express. It's like a thorn in my side , I cannot ever truly ignore it. It seems to me as though virtually every en devour that I have set out on , I have come up short of my expectations.There was the whole IIT gamut , then the 3rd year project , the 4th year project...and the latest entrant ...IIM.

I've blown two interviews. I've got another to go that I am well short of prepared for...It's likely going to turn out to be another disappointment to join the ever growing list.Another thorn that will refuse to be ignored. It makes me wonder....Is it worth it?? Dreaming Big....oh sure , when you pull it off once in a while ,1 in 10 shots maybe, it's great, the satisfaction is immense ( Even then , I wonder why are we so happy?? Isn't this what you set out to do, so shouldn't it be par for the course that you achieved it?Or are you surprised that you did achieve it?) but the frustration that comes with the other 9 times is infuriating.Even knowing all this and feeling all this , I still aim high , but every time I do, every single time I ask myself ....Is it worth it??

I do not have an answer yet."

This is what I wrote on 20th March 2010 ,before the IIM C interview .Sad ,depressing , boring stuff......n then 10th April 2010 happened. 10 April 2010 5:35 p.m....Its pretty much etched in my memory. For the first time I've actually achieved SOMETHING . Regarding this blog , something made me not publish it....I'm glad I didn't , because just that stupid action of not publishing it meant that I had some little iota of belief left in me and maybe that's what got me over the line.

Oh and.....I have my answer :D